Stressed Out Since Childhood Pt. 1

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Hello, dear reader. I know this is a stressful time. The elections are over in America, the season's holidays are fast approaching, it is Q4 for my corporate friends, and the world feels as though it is on fire (if you are still paying attention to the world). Simply stated, stress is present in you and me. How we deal with that stress is another matter entirely. This article is about our internal programming around stress that we are likely unaware of. I will begin with a familiar example of team dynamics and how stress shows up. After the example, things will get a little scientific, so buckle up and don't stress; we will journey through our internal programming and whether it supports or harms us in stressful situations— in life, love, and child-rearing.

Imagine a meeting, in person or virtual, with a hypothetical team in a professional setting. There are six people in the meeting, which quickly veers into some "hot button" issues around deadlines and the amount of work the team is expected to deliver.

Tension among the team is palpable. Two team members notice the shift in energy while focusing on the task at hand; neither of these team members feels flustered by the rising tensions.

Another team member has not noticed that their pulse has quickened and their palms have become slightly sweaty; this team member has started to feel the tension rising physically and is having a physiological reaction to stress.

Another team member has gone silent after pushing his chair away from the table, disengaging from the group. Finally, the sixth team member, who unfortunately is the team leader, has become angry at not effectively getting his message across to the team and at the seeming disregard over the looming deadline.

The boss is in a total stress response and knows it; he spends most of his time, most days, in this high-intensity state. Just as the meeting is coming to a close, the team member who has withdrawn from the group makes a highly sarcastic remark under his breath; this elicits the anger of the boss, who flairs up at the remark; the anxious team member starts crying and drops off the call, the boss tells the rest of the team to give him twice daily updates and ends the meeting. Team motivation is low, and morale is in the toilet.

This example, not entirely exaggerated, is a typical scenario in which the emotional dysregulation of some affects a significant percentage of the population because each person we come into contact with has one of four distinct attachment styles with which they navigate life and relationships.