Before it Sets You Free; Your Truth Must Be Reclaimed.

I wrote this reply in a forum and I feel like it is important so I am sharing here in my newsletter. Childhood trauma caused shame that impacted my career and it took a mental health leave for me to begin to heal. The journey has been life changing already and I have a long way to go. I share my story in hope that others will, as my mentor Rúna says “ask bigger questions.”

—We are more powerful than we believe.

Hey there, this is an old post but I hope you see this reply.

I am 41 and have a similar story to you as far as background and upbringing.

When I was 28, I had 2 kids with a man who was abusive. It got really bad before I left. I had to realize the strength was inside of me and I had to believe it. My children were subjected to a world that was unstable and frightening.

When I left, I was running on pure adrenaline for the next decade.

I had to make sure that we had a good life and no one was going to make that happen but me. I was successful, wildly, and completely burned out.

Burnout got so bad I took a mental health leave.

I started inspecting why men who got loud in business meetings caused me to react like a scared child. I started introspecting why the violence of our neighbors fighting caused me to curl into a fetal position with visceral fear.

Long story that continues to unfold but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. You might not feel strong but you are way stronger than you can imagine. You might not feel worthy but no one gets to decide that except you.

Trigger warning, you maybe masking other traumatic events that are causing your (commonly called) people pleasing behavior. People who experience violence, especially as children often associate safety with making sure everyone around them is emotionally regulated.

Though we may try, we will never succeed in regulating the external world but we will destroy ourselves trying until we are free from the shame that comes with loss of agency. Once we realize our own agency, even in small glimpses, we gain the strength to regulate ourselves.

I realized the connection in myself when I stopped cooking and believing all domestic duties fell on my shoulders alone. I was finally in a relationship safe enough to let me realize that I do not need to act like a slave for my partner to stay with me. My partner is strong enough to hold space for me to grow and that space has opened up my inner world.

You do not need to prove anything to anyone but you need to feel safe to believe this truth.

Be prepared for the hard parts about realizing some of this. The good parts outshine any of the darker ones.

One example, my body is starting to feel like my own body the more that I realize the things in my life that hold so much shame were not done by me but to me.

Especially those that happened to me as a child, of which I can only catch fleeting glimpses of and mostly have internalized into disconnection from parts of my body.

You can take your agency back. Practice trusting and being gentle with yourself even in small ways.

I hope this helps you and anyone else out there who is experiencing something similar. Remember, the great and wise Brené Brown says “Shame hates having words wrapped around it.”

Your story is power. No one owns it or you. You have what you need and you have the right to choose your path. Seek help and do not stay silent if you are in an abusive relationship.

Much love and gratitude.

—SuperSonic 🐞

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